Kitty Tails

Article Two: The Great War

The warning signs were there, oh yes! But like a fool, I did not see them at first. Just like ordinary Wars it was subtle at first, like the gathering of storm clouds. Small holes appearing in linen, Tiny brown specks, then holes started appearing in dry goods especially grain. And then, THE FIRST OFFICIAL SIGHTING! A tiny furry object scurrying along one side of the wall! It froze now and again as if it were some four legged Ninja warrior before proceeding. It's cheeks were bulging with the contents of its last raid. I made a lunge for it, whereupon it executed a vertical takeoff and spun in midair, landing on the back of my hand and running up my shoulder whereupon it then leapt into the air (and I am pretty sure I heard it scream out "HI-YAAAH!" With a high-pitched squeak that Bruce Lee would have been proud of. It pirouetted on the ground as if doing a Flying Dragon Snap Kick before disappearing behind some boxes.

Of course I ran to the boxes and kicked them apart trying to find my adversary but like the Morning mist and the ninjas of old, it had vanished! 

I rushed out to the hardware store and immediately perused the arsenal of rodent deterrence ranging from aerosols that guaranteed to chase rodents away, to "merciful" glue traps. (You imagine having your belly stuck to the ground and then somebody grabs you by your ass and lifts you up, ripping your chest hair from your skin!!!) And finally, the nuclear warhead of the arsenal BACK BREAKER TRAPS! 

I didn't hold back, my defense budget was good and I was determined to pack a hard punch as an opening salvo against rodents. 

Glue traps with strategically placed at all possible routes to the food, the deterrent spray was fired in all directions at random and a couple of backbreaker traps laid down with tantalizing chunks of my favorite cheese. 

That night, I went to bed with a wicked grin on my face. Convinced that by morning, the war would be over and I would be waving my Union Jack over the corpse of my foe.

 

Did you know that mice can laugh? 

THEY CAN!

I HEARD the damn thing ALL FREAKIN' NIGHT!

Running backwards and forwards along the lino carrying (I'm sure) half the contents of my bread bin, a hefty chunk of cheese, and some assorted nuts. And judging by the yellow liquid, what it couldn't carry, it had the audacity to relieve itself on!!! I could mentally picture it squatting there and sticking its tongue out in my direction with an evil grin on its face!! And my cat? Instead disdainfully at me as if to say "WHAT? You don't expect me to actually DO anything, do you? I look good, that should be enough for YOU!" Oh yes, the cat really puts me in my place!

I crawled into the kitchen the following morning and it looked like a bomb had gone off. Wait did I say A bomb? Let me rephrase that. It looks like the aftermath of world war III complete with nuclear devastation! 

Food packets with string all over the floor, grains, nuts, bits of cheese almost every single item of food was represented on the floor and on the table with yellow tracks up and down the sideboard. I began to realize that I had severely underestimated my opponent. Wait did I say that in the singular? Oh no my friend, I quickly realized that I was dealing with an army that was organized and knew the terrain better than I did. I could HEAR it chittering out orders to its crack platoon, the advance team of Special Ops rodents as they planned the next operation. I could imagine the field mice in the front row followed by the Voles taking up the next three rows then the house mice and then finally at the back, the heavy artillery, THE RATS! and their allies, THE SQUIRRELS!!!