POLICE REPORT

REPORT# 217-430-7296

DATE OF FILING: 24th December 2023

FILED BY:

 DETECTIVE CONSTABLE HUGH DONEIT.

IDUNNO POLICE DEPARTMENT

999, Letsby Avenue

 

WITNESSES ON SCENE OF INCIDENT.

ANNE ONYMOUSE

SUE DE NYME

MR & MRS JOHN AND JANE DOE

 

It should be noted that all FOUR witnesses are of no fixed abode!!!

 

DETAILS OF INCIDENT. As reported by D.C DONEIT

 

I arrived on the scene of the incident at 01:47am on the above stated date to see one comatose creature identified by the owner of said creature as a reindeer by the name of Rudolph. The owner of said animal identified himself as Santa Clause. However, it should be noted that he appeared confused as he ALSO claimed to be St. Nick aka Saint Nicholas. He appeared to be overly jocular, leading me to believe him to be intoxicated by drink or possibly drugs.

I drew him to one side and proceeded to inform him of his rights and take a statement. He denied any wrongdoing, claiming that he was delivering gifts. He had no receipts of Bills of Sale and claimed to have a company at the North Pole who made said gifts. He claimed that all staff were approximately 3-4 feet tall and I suspect that there may be a case for illegal employment practices and apparently, said staff have no Union or legal representation. The Owner should be checked for any tax evasion or failure to register the company known as "Santa's Workshop" Said Owner was EXTREMELY reluctant to state a physical location of the outlet and refused to give any further details. He denied having a VAT tax licence or any licence permitting him to import goods into this country or indeed, any other, yet claimed that he delivered worldwide without paying any taxes or duties for any country entered. Whether in OR out of the European Community! Furthermore, he did NOT have any documentation to provide legal proof of identity such as,

  • Birth certificate
  • Driving Licence
  • Passport
  • Insurance papers
  • Social Security Documents
  • Certificate of citizenship

or indeed, ANY legal documentation whatsoever!

This led me to believe that he may be indigent and may attempt illegal entry to this country as an illegal immigrant and illegally transporting livestock without proper quarantine procedures being carried out!

REGARDLESS of the fact that the Owner claims them to be used for business purposes!!

It is recommended that an APB be put out for similar creatures answering to the following names.

  1.  Dasher
  2. Dancer
  3. Prancer
  4. Vixen
  5. Comet
  6. Cupid
  7. Donner and Blitzen. 

These creatures are SEMI-domesticated but should NOT be approached by the General Public as they may constitute an International Health Hazard as they have NO vet records or history of preventative vaccination.

 

My dialogue with the Owner is as follows,

(staring at Rudolph with his red nose, passed out! and Santa going ho ho ho):"Yes sir, you were traveling at light speed, through a built up area, you CLAIM, delivering toys!. You were obviously well over the speed limit and apparently over the limit with alcohol AS WELL,when your sleigh slammed into the side of that brick house causing extensive structural damage in the shape of a star-shaped hole in the side of the building. Your reindeer is obviously under the influence and as you are the owner, you are liable for the damages incurred to the house and the owners are filing charges against you INCLUDING suing you for the mental anguish caused to their minors when they CLEARLY heard you mutter, "THAT F**IN! HOUSE WASN'T THERE LAST YEAR!!" It is then alleged that you went downstairs to the dining room and attempted to remove one Fairy from the top of the tree whilst shouting "How would THEY like a fir tree rammed up THEIR FRIGGIN' ASS??" and furthermore,judging by your excessive humor, you are obviously driving while intoxicated! My only concern at this time is whether to book you for high speeding or low flying! You are further charged with unlawfully collecting data concerning to whit.

 

  1. Personal information on minors,  I.E. you asked them if they had been good all year!)
  2. The same for Adults without THEIR consent.
  3. Intended theft, the Fairy that you ALLEGE is alive, therefore you can be charged with abduction!
  4. Illegal entry to a domicile,
  5. Attempted bribery of an official (You DID ask me what I wanted for Christmas!)

Here's your ticket!!

 

Oh! AND BY THE WAY,

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!